Bishop Hoagland:{Calling offstage after those leaving.} We need to gather the wagons a little early tonight to prepare for the Sabbath. {Turning to the young men, Alma, Tom, Frank, and Andrew who are attempting to escape offstage right.} Buffalo chip-detail, gather the material for the fire.

{Bishop Hoagland then exits stage left.}

Alma: I hate gathering buffalo chips! Aroet got called to be a buffalo hunter and I get to be a buffalo chip hunter.

Frank: I know what you mean. Someday our children will ask us what we did crossing the plains and we will have to say we were on buffalo chip detail.

Tom: Makes you want to stay single, doesn't it?

Andrew: I think if they ask me I'm going to lie or something.

Alma: Maybe we could come up with some fancy name for it.

Frank: Like what?

Alma: I don't know.

Andrew: We also keep the water buckets with the dipper full. How about "chip-n-dip detail"?

Alma: {And everyone else groaning.} That's horrible.

Andrew: Well, it's kind o' catchy.

Frank: Sure, catchy like a disease.

Andrew: You got any bright ideas?

Frank: How about "Prairie Cleanup Detail"

Andrew: Sure - where's your mop and bucket?

Frank: Well it beats "Chip-n-dip detail".

Andrew: Yeah, it beats it for bad.

Tom: Hey guys! I got it! I got it! We can just tell them that when the chips were down they counted on us.

Frank, Alma, and Andrew (together): {groaning} Bad.

Alma: I think no matter what you call it, it will still be bad. {Music starts here.} Oh, how I hate those buffalo chips.

( 21. Buffalo Chips )

{Really ham this up. Have one of the young men who is not singing the verse cover the mouth of the one who is when he gets to where the chorus comes in. An alternative would be to swat him in the stomach, on the back, over the head, or anything to interrupt him.}

Alma:
Buffalo chips, buffalo chips
How I hate those buffalo chips
In my mouth and hair and everything I wear.
I pray he'll take me if he must
But I think that I will bust
If I got to pick up one more buffalo chip.

Andrew:
Every night we get the chips we need to cook our food.
Everyone who takes a bite has to plug their nose and chew.
I'll tell you that the food that's cooked is no big hit
Because it all tastes a whole lot like ...

All Young Men:
Buffalo chips, buffalo chips
How I hate those buffalo chips
In my mouth and hair and everything I wear.
I pray he'll take me if he must
But I think that I will bust
If I got to pick up one more buffalo chip.

Tom:
One bright night I was to dance with sweet, sweet Mary Lou.
She has hair of gold like sun shinin' down all around you.
But pickin' up the chips made me mad enough to spit.
She said {Falsetto to mock her} "Why, Tom, you smell a whole lot like ..."

Frank:
One dark night I dreamed a dream, on the prairie I did spy
A great big, beautiful, round, sweet, sweet, orange pumpkin pie.
In the morning when I awoke - I nearly had a fit
Because my breath smelled a whole lot like ...

{Bishop Hoagland comes in from upstage left and stops, standing there for the last of the song. The young men don't notice him but the audience should be able to see him. He should grin since he is amused with the young men.}

Alma:{other young men remove hats and put them over their hearts}
And should I die before my journey's through
From up in heav'n I'll look down on you
And as in heav'n upon the cloud I sit
I'll rain on you a whole bunch of ...

All Young Men: {slow, getting faster and doing chorus line kick for four measures.}
I pray he'll take me if he must
But I think that I will bust
If I got to pick up

Alma: one more

Andrew: lousy,

Frank: rotten,

Tom: good-for-nothin'

All Young Men: buffalo chip!

Bishop Hoagland:{faking sternness} All right guys, break it up! Break it up! We would like to eat sometime tonight. Let's get those buffalo chips gathered. {As the group starts off stage right he calls out after them.} And remember, it's not what you do, but how you do it that matters.

Frank: {sarcastically} Oh, right.

{Bishop Hoagland exits stage left. From offstage right Aroet comes in carrying his rifle, sore from hunting. Henry comes from stage left.}

Henry: Oh, Aroet, how goes the buffalo hunt?

Aroet: Not a sign of 'em.

Henry: That's a tough break. Our camp is getting a bit low, too.

Aroet: It is hard for me to see this group not eat as well as they should, especially the women and the children.

Henry: Speaking of the women, that young lady from the other company was over asking about you.

Aroet: Oh, you mean Olive Whittle. She's a fine lady. She has the same name as Mother and she's a real hardy woman.

Henry: A person has to be hardy out here. By the way, Alma hasn't been himself lately.

Aroet: You mean he hasn't played any jokes on you?

Henry: Not a one. Not since your mother, father, and sisters died.

Aroet: I bet you're glad of that.

Henry: Well, I think he needs a bit of spice put back in his life.

Aroet: So what do you plan to do about it?

Henry: Not plan to do, but done did already. {Bringing him close like he is sharing a secret.} I got a bunch of the little boys in camp to hunt me down some water snakes, lizards and the like. Paid 'em a penny a dozen. I stuck 'em all in Alma's bedroll.{He busts into laughter.}

Aroet: I think you're askin' for trouble.

Henry: Ah, I can handle Alma.

Aroet: Well, that's good, 'cause nobody else can.

{Alma and the buffalo chip detail come in stage right complaining about buffalo chips and buffalo in general.}

Alma: Aroet, any luck on the hunt?

Aroet: Not a sign of 'em.

Alma: What do you mean not a sign of 'em? The whole prairie's full of signs of em! {Shakes his foot as if he stepped in something.}

Aroet: Well you can't eat buffalo chips.

Alma: You wouldn't be gettin' tired of huntin' would ya? I'd be very willing to switch ya jobs.

Aroet: Nice try, brother.

Henry: Uh, hey, why don't you boys get your bedrolls laid out.

Alma: It's a bit early don't ya think?

Henry: Best to be ready early for the Sabbath.

Alma: Might as well. {To the other young men.} Come on guys.

{Alma and the other young men head off stage left leaving Aroet and Henry alone.}.

Henry: {Watching offstage with great anticipation.} Any time now. Any time now.

{Suddenly you hear Alma scream offstage. Henry falls down in an uncontrollable fit of laughter. A moment later Alma and the young men come back on stage carrying their bedrolls, acting as if nothing happened. They start rolling out their bedrolls where they will be barely on stage but out of the way.}

Henry: What happened, Alma? I thought I heard you scream.

Alma: Me scream? You must have been dreamin'.

Henry: What's the matter? 'fraid of a few lizards in your bedroll?

Alma: Nah, I just dumped them into your flour sack.

Henry: You did what?

Alma: {Now very suspicious} So, how did you know there was some lizards in my bedroll, huh, Uncle Henry?

Henry: {suddenly flustered} That reminds me, I was supposed to help with the ox teams. Comin' Aroet?

Aroet: Yeah, I'll give ya a hand.

{Aroet and Henry exit stage left.}

Alma: {To Frank} Uncle Henry has never played a joke on me before. There's got to be some way I can get him back. It's got to be good, real good, I mean...

{Gertrude enters with Bron from up stage left .}

Gertrude: 'enry, Oh 'enry! Oh, Alma, have you seen your uncle?

Alma: Just a minute ago. He was headin' back to camp. What do you want with him?

Gertrude: De best of news. My cousin Bron is headed to the Rocky Mountains too. He vas in de last company. We 'aven't seen each other in years. I vanted 'im to meet 'enry.

Alma: Well, I think Uncle Henry went down by the ox teams. {Gertrude and Bron start to head off up stage left.} Now as I was saying we need to get ... Wait a minute. I got it! I got it! Gertrude! Gertrude! Can I speak with you a moment?

{Gertrude and Bron, who are just about offstage, turn around and come back.}

Gertrude: Vat is it?

Alma: This is kind of a private thing. {Alma motions to Bron.}

Gertrude: Vould you excuse us, Bron?

{Bron wanders a short distance off, but not offstage, while Gertrude and Alma come downstage.}

Alma: Gertrude, you want to marry Uncle Henry, don't you?

Gertrude: Vy, yes. He is de most vonderful man.

Alma: You know, it might be that Uncle Henry doesn't know how to ask. Maybe he just needs someone to show him how to treat you like a lady.

Gertrude: You're not being mean about your uncle are you, or trying to play a trick on 'im?

Alma: {laughing} Would I do a thing like that? {The young men behind Gertrude, now interested in what Alma is doing, nod.} I mean he probably just hasn't had an example of a man taking you by the arm, walkin' with you under the stars, you know, that kind of stuff.

Gertrude: You tink dis is maybe so?

Alma: I'm sure of it. You know, I bet your cousin would be the perfect one to show him. Why don't you get him to walk with you out by the wagons, treating you like a gentleman would and we'll go get Henry to come see it.

Gertrude: Dis is a good idea, no? {Those where Gertrude can't see shake their heads no.}

Alma: Oh, it is a good idea! It's a great idea!

{Gertrude goes back and talks to her cousin. The young men watch. Soon Gertrude almost forcibly takes her cousin's arm and they go offstage right arm in arm.}

Frank: Alma, what have you got up your sleeve?

Alma: The greatest plan I have ever had, but I will need your help.

{Alma gathers the young men into a circle and they start to discuss in a huddle.

Tom: {Jumping up} You want us to do what?

{ They pull him back down. After a few more seconds of discussion they break apart.}

Andrew: Do you think it will work?

Alma: If it does, we'll have pulled off the greatest boondoggle ever.

Frank: And if it doesn't?

Alma: Gertrude will probably kill all of us.

Tom: Oh, just a minor detail you forgot to mention.

Alma: All right, everyone. You know what you've got to do?

Tom: I'll get Henry.

{Tom heads off upstage left. Everyone acts as if they are busy working on something. Henry enters, followed by Tom.}

Henry: Tom says you needed to see me about something important.

{All the young men start to gather around.}

Alma: Oh, not that important. I just wanted you to know that your prayers have been answered.

Henry: {Suspiciously} What prayers?

Alma: Oh, your prayers about Gertrude.

Henry: {Still suspicious} What about Gertrude?

Alma: Oh, she's got another man.

Henry: {laughing} I don't believe you.

Alma: {Pointing off up stage right.} Look for yourself.

{Everyone looks.}

Henry: Well I'll be a horny toad! Glory be, it's true!

Alma: Yeah. I told the boys, here, you didn't stand a chance against a real gentleman, so your days with Gertrude are over.

Henry: {laughing} That's the most interestin' .. {Turning to face Alma realizing what he said.} What do you mean a real gentleman?

Alma: Yep, that's what I told Frank here. I bet him a day of pickin' up his buffalo chips that you wouldn't even have the guts to go tell that guy she was your girl.

Henry: What do you mean, my girl? Who said she's my girl?

Alma: All right Frank. You got to pay up. I told you he would be so afraid of a real gentleman that he wouldn't even admit she is his girl.

Frank: I reckon I owe you. I did think Henry had more in him than that.

Alma: Well, you can't pick up chips for me tomorrow 'cause it's the Sabbath, so I suppose on Monday you...

Henry: Now wait a doggone minute here! Nobody says Henry Hale can't stand up for his girl. I could go over there right now and tell that guy, whatever his name is, that she's my girl!

Alma: Then why don't you do it?

Henry: I never said she was my girl!

Alma: Frank, Monday be alright?

Frank: I guess that would be fine.

Henry: You think I don't have it in me. Well, I'll show you. I'll go over there and tell this feller to beat it and you'll see him hightail it right out of here.

Alma: Sure, you'll go over there and scare him off, because you smell like you've been drug through an ox corral. I mean, she'd never want to marry the likes of you now she's met a real gentleman.

Henry: Oh, you think you're so smart, Alma Hale. I'll have you know that Gertrude has often wanted me to marry her.

Alma: That was before she met a real gentleman. I mean, look at them.

{Everyone looks offstage right again. Some of the young men whistle.}

Henry: I could bet you a day of workin' with the oxen against a day of pickin' up your stinkin' buffalo chips that if I went over there right now she would tell that other feller to skedaddle and take me.

Alma: You're on, since I know you're gonna' lose. Safest bet of my life, don't you think, guys?

{They all nod.}

Frank: Yea, Henry is gettin' a bit old. I really don't think you ought to be takin' advantage of him like this.

Henry: {Really getting steamed} Old! Takin' advantage, my foot! What are you talkin' about?

Andrew: {Patting Henry's hair} You do have to admit, Henry, you're losin' a bit of hair.

Henry: {Really getting worked up now} I am not losin' any hair. 'sides, a little less hair looks distinguished.

Tom: You mean extinguished.

{They all laugh.}

Frank: {Mocking Gertrude} You stay out of dis.

{They laugh again.}

Henry: Laugh all you want, but I always said the busy path don't grow no grass.

Frank: Yeah, well, I always said there ain't no reason to cover an empty shed.

{They all laugh again.}

Henry: You think you're really funny. Well, I'm twice the man of any of you young hooligans.

Frank: {Patting Henry's stomach.} We ain't talkin' weight or age now, Henry.

{They all laugh again.}

Alma: Sure, you may go out with a lady once, but once she found a real gentleman she wouldn't go out twice.

Tom: {Running his fingers through Henry's hair} Especially since she had already run her fingers through both your hairs.

{Everyone laughs again.}

Henry: {Now worked into a total frenzy.}All right that does it! Alma Hale, I can show you I can win a woman just as well as the next guy. I will bet you not one day, not one week, but one full month of picking up your stinkin' buffalo chips, against your taking care of the oxen for me, that I can get Gertrude to marry me!

Frank: {Whistles.} Why, Alma, I think Henry really feels he can win her.

Alma: Nah, he's just full of wind.

Henry: You just wait and see.

Alma: Well it looks like Gertrude and this man are coming over so you are going to get your chance.

{They all look offstage right and Alma grabs Tom while Henry isn't looking and signals for him to go get everyone from camp. Tom runs off upstage left. Gertrude and Bron enter from stage right still arm in arm.}

Gertrude: 'enry I want you to meet my...

Alma: {Hurriedly interrupting.} Uh, Gertrude, before you say anything Henry has something he wants to say,{then sarcastically} that is, if he's got it in him.

{Henry steps up and fiercely separates them, turns and faces Bron.}

Henry: First I want to say this is my girl and you better stay away!

Bron: But I am ...

{Andrew, quickly puts his hand over Bron's mouth from behind.}

Andrew: {To Bron} You heard the man - this is his girl.

{The rest of the camp comes on from up stage left led by Bishop Hoagland, Tom, Aroet, and Rachel just in time to hear Henry.}

Henry: Gertrude, will you marry me? You don't need to go traipsing off with any other man. {with this he points to Bron}

Bron: But she's my...

{Alma puts his hand over Bron's mouth before he can say more.}

Gertrude: {Finally grasping some of the situation whacks Bron.}You 'eard the man. Stay out of dis. {Bron falls silent.} Oh, 'Enry, I thought you'd never ask.

Alma: {Turning to face the crowd.} Let's hear three cheers for Henry. Hip, hip-

Crowd: Hooray!

Alma: Hip, hip-

Crowd: Hooray!

Alma: Hip, hip-

Crowd: Hooray!

{Henry smiling, waves to the crowd. Alma signals to Frank.}

Frank: Let's have the weddin' tonight. Right now. We're all here.

Henry: But, I don't ...

Andrew: Yeah, a wedding tonight.

Crowd: {Chant led by Tom, Frank, and Andrew. Henry starts to get nervous.} A wedding, a wedding, a wedding, a wedding..

Alma: Yea, the bishop's here. What do ya say, Bishop?

Bishop Hoagland: Well, it's a bit unusual, but it's not like they haven't known each other for a long time.

Gertrude: Yes, tonight.

Henry: But, I think we should stop and think for a moment.

Old Jim: Did he say there's another woman?

Gertrude: {In a mad tone looking at Henry} Another voman?

Henry: {Remembering the other episode, so somewhat in a panic.} No, no there's no other woman.

Frank: {To Henry} Then, there's no time like the present, I mean, considering your age and all. Pretty soon you won't be capable of doing anything.

Henry: {indignant} I'm as capable as anyone.

Alma: Well, then it's settled. A wedding tonight.

{Everyone cheers. Tom runs offstage left and runs back on carrying a stool for Bishop Hoagland to stand on. Bishop Hoagland steps up on it.}

Bishop Hoagland: All right. Everyone gather 'round. Let's get the couple up here in front. {After Henry and Gertrude are arranged in front, Bishop Hoagland starts.} Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this couple in ...

Gertrude: 'old it! 'old it! {There is a long pause as everyone stares at her in disbelief. The woman grab the children to protect them.} I don't 'ave any flowers. A girl 'as got to 'ave flowers for 'er vedding.

{Henry is relieved. Everyone relaxes. They look at one another and shrug.}

Agnes: But Gertrude, dear, there are no flowers here.

Alma: {Almost in panic.} I know. {He runs offstage right with everyone staring after him and comes back on carrying a large, ugly sage brush. Then he hands it to Gertrude.} Uh, it's not flowers, but it smells kind of, um, "sagey".

Bishop Hoagland: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the marriage of this couple. If there are any who would say otherwise, let them speak now or forever hold their peace. {The young men all grab Bron covering his mouth and threatening him.} Do you, Henry Hale, take Gertrude Schultz to be your lawfully wedded wife as long as you both shall live?

Henry: {Hesitantly.} Well, I ...

{The young men all start to sing a capella:}

Buffalo chips, buffalo chips, how I hate those buffalo chips,
In my mouth and hair and everything I wear...

Henry:{In a loud, mad tone} I do!

Bishop Hoagland: Do you, Gertrude Schultz, take Henry Hale to be your lawfully wedded husband for as long as you both shall live?

Gertrude: {In a sweet lovey voice} I do.

Bishop Hoagland: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride.

Old Jim: But what about this other woman?

{Gertrude throws the sagebrush toward the crowd. Instead of trying to catch it the women scream and everyone tries to move out of the way to let it fall to the ground. Gertrude prepares for a kiss by closing her eyes and putting her arms out but Henry turns instead to face Alma who can hardly control his laughter.}

Henry: You think you're so smart. Well, I guess I showed you. Now about those oxen for a month. Why, I'm going to tell the men to specifically let you have Widow Johnson's ox, and you can... {At this point, Gertrude, since Henry hasn't kissed her yet, grabs Henry and sweeps him into a kiss so her back is to the audience and all the audience can see is Henry's arms flailing about. Two of the young men might hold Henry for her. When she lets Henry up he just turns to Alma again. Alma again can hardly hold his laughter.} And furthermore, I'm going to tell them ... {Gertrude again grabs him and takes him down. When he comes up again he looks at Gertrude} Enough already. {Then he turns to Alma} You'll be one sorry feller for tanglin' with me. You didn't think I could do it, but oh, little did you know how smart your uncle is. You're messin' with superior intelligence, boy, did you hear, sup...

Gertrude: Oh, 'enry. 'usband and wife. And to think that my cousin Bron got to be 'ere for our vedding.

Henry: {Whirling around to face Gertrude.} Your cousin, Bron?

Gertrude: Oh, yes. Meet my cousin Bron.

Bron: {Shaking Henry's hand vigorously.} Glad to meet you cousin 'enry. {He grabs Henry and gives him a big hug and a kiss on each cheek, European style.}

Gertrude: Oh, you know vhat I'm going to do. I'm going to bake us a vedding cake. 'Enry, I got the sugar, but I need some flour. I guess I can use some of yours since it's ours now.

Henry: {Totally shaken.} Sure, sure, whatever.

{Gertrude heads off upstage left.}

Agnes: Come on, ladies. Let's give her a hand.

{All of the ladies and girls head off upstage left leaving the men and boys on stage.}

Alma: {panicked} But Gertrude, that flour, the flour, it has... Oh, never mind. {Alma shakes his head.}

Henry: {Walking up and yelling in Alma's face.} Cousin! He's her cousin! You knew he was her cousin!

Alma: Well, Uncle Henry, you know how I am. Sometime I forget the insignificant details.

Henry: {Still almost screaming.} Insignificant details! I am now a married man. And to Gertrude.{Henry lunges for Alma but is intercepted by Tom and Andrew who grab his arms and sit him down on a stump.}And she is off to bake me a cake. You know what happened last time she baked me a cake? I couldn't cut it. I threw it to my dog. Had to hold a gun on him to get him to eat it. He got his teeth so stuck in it he couldn't get loose. I had to use a pry bar to get it out. Nearly kilt him. Lost half his teeth. He would have been better off if I'd shot him. {putting his hand to his head} Oh, woe is me. Woe is me.

Alma: But Uncle Henry, you won the bet.

{Henry goes for Alma again but Frank and Tom intercept him. Henry is struggling to get free and shouting.}

Henry: I'll kill him! I'll kill him! Let me at him!

{They sit him down on a stump. Henry drops his head into his hands as if in great despair. The men and young men split into two groups. The married men and Aroet on one side and the young unmarried men on the other. Frank puts his hand on Henry's shoulder and starts to sing a capella. He may need a cue note.}

( 22. Hey, Henry and There's Nothing Like A Family ) {The young men should try to act like they are trying to sing their verse seriously breaking into laughter in the most serious parts here and there. This song is a bantering back and forth between the married men and the single men. As the one group sings the other should look on in disgust. }

Frank: Poor Henry's wed, poor Henry Hale is wed. He's married now so gather round and cry. The daisies in the dell

Henry:{jumping up} They can all just go to {Bishop Hoagland clears his throat and puts a hand on Henry's shoulder.} uh, weed {Henry sits back down}

Frank: Because poor Henry Hale is married.

All of the Young Men: Doo, doobity doo, doobity doo, doobity doo. ...

Frank: Hey, Henry, don't ya know? Getting married causes grey hairs to grow. Hey, guys, soon we'll see a whole bunch of little Henrys.

Andrew: {spoken} Oh no!

All the married men: There is nothin' like a family. Nothin' in the world so grand. And soon you will come to see a happy family is part of God's eternal plan.

All of the Young Men: Doo, doobity doo, doobity doo, doobity doo. ...

Tom: Hey, Henry, feelin' fine? Now you gotta wife to keep you in line. {putting a hand to his ear} You hear choirs sing? Your freedom for a wedding ring.

All the married men: And when the time comes for us to marry and raise a fam'ly. We all should raise a grateful chorus for wisdom we don't always see.

All of the Young Men: Doo, doobity doo, doobity doo, doobity doo. ...

Andrew:{doing lots of action as if money going and bouncing a baby} Hey, Henry, don't you know, gettin' married makes the money go? Then soon you will be, bouncing a baby on each knee.

Young Men:Hey, Henry, don't you know?

{Rhythm vamp continues under the dialog. From offstage there is a scream from Gertrude. She then comes rushing on from upstage left.}

Gertrude: 'enry 'ale, dere are lizards in your flour sack. You come get them out this instant. {Henry looks up at her, then up at the young men (who are choking on their laughter) then slowly stands and starts offstage. Gertrude pushes Henry offstage while speaking.} It is obvious you need a vife to take care of tings for you.

Alma: {Calling after them as they leave the stage} But Aunt Gertrude, they're all edible.

Gertrude: {Turning to face Alma.}You stay out of dis!

{Gertrude exits.}

All men: Hey, Henry, don't ya know?